Ambivalence In Motherhood
Becoming a mother is an extraordinary experience. The love you feel for your little one is immeasurable, so much so that you would do anything to ensure their well-being. However, in this bond (as in all the others), other less pleasant emotions also take place. Ambivalence in motherhood is completely normal and healthy.
The idealization that society makes of the mother-child relationship is, on many occasions, harmful. Due to social mandates, women face feelings of exhaustion, frustration and a need for freedom that they do not know how to manage. ” How can I feel this for my son?” And then guilt appears.
Perfect mothers
Since a girl is born, she listens incessantly that motherhood will be the culmination of her life as a woman. That her happiness will only be complete when she becomes a mother. That at that moment he will know true love. The social idea of this link is idealized and distorted. They sell us the image of a self-sacrificing, dedicated mother whose only source of fulfillment is to always be available to her children.
Thus, when a woman becomes a mother, she expects, consciously or unconsciously, to meet these unattainable standards. It is true that love is immense and the renouncements countless but, in addition, all this sacrifice is required to be carried out with a smile and without an iota of doubt.
As the days go by, the mother of a newborn begins to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and alone. The burden of responsibility on your shoulders, the lack of sleep and support, and the uncertainty of knowing if you are performing well are beginning to take their toll. However, these negative feelings are not covered in the manual of the good mother.
Nobody talks about the anguish and despair after hours in a row of your baby’s crying. There is no room for expressing fear, anger or frustration that is experienced. Nobody warns you that, at times, you will want to run away and regain your freedom. And, above all, they don’t explain to you that this is completely normal.
Ambivalence in motherhood
All the bonds that we establish with other people contain contradictory emotions in different degrees. There are no relationships of pure love. Even with our family, friends or partner we experience feelings of love and hate: some of their qualities we love and others are annoying. No one demands that we feel impeccable adoration for any of these people. However, the same does not happen with motherhood.
The closer, more intimate and important the bond with someone, the more intense the ambivalent emotions. And there is no doubt that the mother-child relationship is one of the strongest bonds there is. Therefore, what is common and expected is that these emotional contradictions make an appearance frequently.
In no other relationship will we give ourselves with the same vehemence, none will require so much effort on our part. And yet negative emotions are banned and demonized in motherhood. This leads many women to find themselves mired in guilt and confusion, and to feel like inadequate and even bad mothers.
Normalize feelings
The time has come to normalize ambivalence in motherhood and allow us to discover, feel and manage emotions in freedom. Being exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling lost or sad is sometimes normal. Wishing someone to stay with your child for a while so that you can regain some of your former great independence is logical.
You are not obliged to exercise your motherhood with absolute dedication and an unshakable smile. It is not a healthy or realistic standard . You are a human being facing an especially tough and demanding challenge on a physical and emotional level. Allow yourself to feel the duality, listen to your ambivalent emotions without guilt. Feeling fed up or overwhelmed does not mean, at all, that you are going to mistreat or neglect your little one. And, of course, these emotions don’t erase an iota of the love you feel.
The best thing you can do for yourself, for your child and for the bond between the two is to accept yourself with your lights and your shadows. Recognize that those corners of motherhood that you dislike the most are also part of the process. Giving these negative emotions their place will free you from a guilt that does not belong to you.
